Lollapalooza - Tips and Tricks

Well, another year of Lollapalooza has come and gone and the city of Chicago is feeling a void, much like the hearts of every teenager and "adult" who went this year and watched the Postal Service's last performance ever. Maybe you missed out this year on the experience, or maybe you didn't get the full experience. Here are a few tips and tricks on how to prepare for next year:

DRESS CODE: Yes, believe it or not, Lollapalooza has a very strict dress code.

MEN: Some type of neon mantank and shorts is a must. Shorts can be frayed or patterned, but I would stray away from basic denim jeans. Sunglasses should be mock Raybans, but whatever you do, do not wear actual Raybans. A bit of Americana is appreciated but not necessarily required.  If you do decide to go with America, be sure to mix it with the tribal pattern of your choice. Although during the rest of the year it is deemed "uncool" to wear your socks high with shorts, at Lollapalooza, if you're wearing sneakers, high socks are a must. There is a slight caveat, socks must be bright, mismatched or patterned. A backwards visor is always a good idea, but you will not be turned away if you wear a bandana or just go au naturel.

LADIES: Usually waking up and not showering is a good call. Throw your bra back on and be sure to cut your jeans to the length of underwear. If these jeans happen to be your mom's high rise from the 70s, then you're in luck. No need to worry about a shirt unless it's crocheted or perhaps the tattered remains of your boyfriend's "Led Zeppelin,"  "Pink Floyd," "Muse," or "DeadMau5" t-shirt. Decorative beads on the ends of the lifeless threads that remain say, "I'm creative and don't care who knows it." Make up should be applied liberally and done in dim lit rooms. Jewelry should be excessive, as it helps in large crowds and is not at all life threatening. Any impractical shoe such as a flip flop or platform shoe is required. Indian headbands are required at all times. There is absolutely no exception to this rule, unless you have braided your hair to look like an Indian headband, in which case you might skirt by.

BEVERAGES: They cost a lot, but it's worth it. Of course, you can always bring your own.

BUYING: While $7 for a Miller Lite might seem steep, you could not be further from the truth. It might seem like just beer in a can, but what you're also paying for is the experience of being able to say, "I drank a tall boy of Miller Lite while watching Cat Power. Man she's hot." Could you say that about your local dive bar? Probably, but who cares? It wasn't at Lolla, baby.

BRINGING: It's true that security is strict, but there is no reason you shouldn't attempt to bring your own. If you believe in recycling, then this one is right up your alley: use old water bottles to mask your liquor. Clear liquids such as Vodka or Gin can easily be masked by a bottle of Poland Springs or Evian or any water bottle of your preference. Except Fiji water. Fill to the top, glue the cap back on and not a question will be asked as you waltz past security with a fifth of vodka in your purse. Do you feel like you got swagger? Because you just walked into Lolla like you do.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Be sure to take pictures and a lot. There is nothing your friends enjoy more than watching you have a good time while they're taking their Aunt Doris to Menards for chicken wire.

CAMERAS: DSLRs are a great choice because they say, "I'm a professional," and because of that people will automatically respect you. I recommend 100 angles of a DJ that most people don't know, but you realize he has the potential of being the next up-and-coming and you know that when he does make it big, it will be because of the photos you took. The obvious thing would be to get close to the stage, right? Wrong. How can anyone tell how big the audience is if you're right up front? Stand towards the back and be sure to get mostly the crowd. This tells the spectator  of your photography that this guy must be sensational.

CAMERA PHONES: I cannot stress this enough: take mostly selfies. Going back to my previous statement about your friends and them wanting to see you have a good time, you can't convey your enjoyment if you only post one or two. What I recommend is getting a selfie in front of every stage you are at, that way people can feel like they're there with you the whole time. Also, if you get tired of showing off your skills as a professional photographer and want to take a minute to get "real," then take stage photos from your phone. The blurry figures dancing on the stage from a distance gives the photography a certain mystique that has people wondering, "Is that NIN or a Lana Del Ray?" There is no pleasure greater than being the only one in on the joke.

Last, but not least, screaming during a performance to show your enthusiasm: simple. Do it. All the time. How else is the Postal Service going to know that you've been listening to their band since high school and that you got to second base with Alison Greene while listening to "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight?" They answer: they won't...unless you shout it out. So let them know. Also, this tells the people around you that you don't give a fuck what they think, and people admire that quality.

Sure you missed out this year, but don't be discouraged. Follow my tips and tricks and you will be guaranteed to have the best time at Lollapalooza 2014. So much so, that I guarantee you'll be talking about it for weeks after the fact. Cause you remember, they don't understand...they weren't there.