I have a netflixation

I can't even try to guess the time as I rub my already blurry eyes. I've kept my blinds closed the entire time to guarantee optimal viewing. I only have 15 second breaks. 15 seconds to breathe and make a quick decision, but no person in their right mind can make a decision in 15 seconds, so I lose. My phone is going off, the bleeps and rings of friends and family worried about me because they haven't heard from me in hours and even though I can't remember what day it is, or how I even got started, I have no regrets. Some might say it's unhealthy, an obsession really, but I see it as an accomplishment. In 11 hours I have finished all of Sherlock and have gotten through at least half a season of Parks and Recreation. I tell myself I should go to sleep, but another episode has already started and Leslie Knope's words have me committed. I never like to give up, so why start now? Yes, I have become a victim of the Netflixation.

Netflixation has become such a rising pandemic, it feels that by next year, people will be required to get a vaccination for it. The obsession has been increasing due to hit shows airing that can only be seen on Netflix. Well played, Netflix. It's like you've poisoned minds and are the only one carrying the antidote. For those of you worried that you'll fall into the Netflixation zombie wasteland, here are some tips and tricks to help you with your survival:

1. Watch movies

Movies have a short time span. The average film lasts 90-120 minutes. Once a movie is over, there is no continuation. Unless of course it has a sequel, but given that this is Netflix, the sequel is probably the only one available. Want to watch the first one? You'll have to sign up for the DVD rental. Movies also have he great satisfaction of ending. Television, however, is like a box or bag of (insert your favorite candy here). You keep telling yourself, "Oh, just one more." But be careful, or you might suffer from episode obesity.

2. If you watch television - Take breaks every other episode

Rub your eyes, stretch your legs and arms, take a quick jog around the block, make your dinner that you meant to make 4 episodes of 30 Rock ago. If you set the simple goal of breaking every other episode, you'll practice a bit of self control. Don't be a hero, Netflix will most definitely win, but you don't have to give in easily.

3. Pick shows you wouldn't normally watch

This is a win, win: If you like the show, then you have the satisfaction of stepping outside your comfort zone and enjoying it. If you don't like it, then you won't feel compelled to continue, thus stopping something before it has even begun. Being able to tell people this is like telling people you went into Target and didn't buy anything. They'll be impressed and respect you.

4. Pay attention to the 15 seconds

Remember, you have an option, but you're on the clock. You have only a few seconds to say, "No, not today," before you end up finishing all of Arrested Development and forgetting all about your niece's christening. She's a baby, so she won't remember, but you'll have the painful memory every time you quote Buster Bluth or see a frozen banana.

5. Do not look at the suggestions

This is like opening Pandora's box. Once you've read the suggestions, you'll remember shows and movies you forgot existed, forgot that you once told people you wanted to see, forgot that you had so many damn interests until that friendly box of suggestions pops up in your face. It's the ultimate power play. They've given you everything you wanted, but shows can't last forever, so when they finish, you feel hurt, alone, depressed, perhaps even a little confused and then Netflix swoops in with something shiny and new to scare those blues away. It knows it has control over you. Sadness is natural. It is better to feel it then try to mask it with countless episodes of Battlestar Galactica. 

Here are some final things to consider before launching into Netflix:

1. No one will hate you for not being completely caught up on Mad Men

2. You've already seen every episode of the X-files, you don't need to re-watch them

3. Most of the top rated items on Netflix aren't even that good

4. Don't trust the star ratings for the people who determine the ratings can't be trusted.

5. You've gotten through most of your life without seeing a lot of this stuff.

6. Only people on pinterest and imgur talk about Dr. Who

7. Internet memes have made shows like How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory, a lot funnier than they actually are.

8. If you're going to watch anything, at least make it Breaking Bad. People actually talk about that and make references daily that are way over your head.

Hopefully, with this advice, you can survive this plague. Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor...Ooo, I should watch The Hunger Games.

Everybody's twerking for the the weekend

If you don't know the meaning behind the word "twerk" then chances are you have never done it and even more so, have never witnessed it. Hitting YouTube faster than a kitten doing pretty much anything (Note to self: Create video of kitten twerking), it seems like every video you see has to do with twerking. The most recent display being the ever infamous Miley Cyrus twerking at the VMAs:

Considered a simple dance move, twerking looks like fun, but if not done correctly can lead to injury (See here). Here are some rules on how to twerk and make it work:

1. Read up

So often people attempt to try something new without the proper knowledge. This usually does not end well. Before a night on the town with your gal pals, be sure to read up on the proper techniques. Not a reader? Not a problem! There are plenty of instructional videos to help you with your twerk. 

2. Stretch

Remember that twerking is a form of dance and exercise, so you want to make sure your body is properly warmed up and prepared to drop and pop without the lock. 

3. Practice, Practice, Practice

There is nothing more embarrassing than being out with your friends and wanting to show off something you have never done before. You risk injury, you risk looking like a fool and you risk losing your friends. Try twerking in front of a mirror twice a day. Once in the morning and once before bed. You'll see a progression and feel confident when you finally step onto a dance floor to do it for the first time.

4. Pick a song that works for you

Again, don't go for the showing off aspect right away. Certain songs might not work for your twerk. The more experienced twerkers in the world can twerk to a fast tempo song like it's no big deal, but if this is your first time, you're going to want to take it a little slower. Try out a few songs and be sure to create a playlist on your iTunes. 

5. Wear the right shoes

This is probably the most important and the one most commonly glossed over. Sure, you're going out to party, dance and potentially hook up with a hottie, so you want to look your best, but 6 inch heels can be very dangerous when twerking. Either opt for a lower heel, or keep a spare pair of flats to twerk in. If your location doesn't seem like one large health code violation, you might be bold enough to go barefoot. 

With these guidelines in mind, you are now ready to show off your money maker. Remember, twerking is not for everyone. If you have a history of heart disease, hip problems, have recently had knee surgery, are on certain medications, suffer from hearing loss, have a history of depression you should not be twerking. Consult your physician before twerking. Common side effects are sore muscles, fatigue, dry mouth, changes in patterns and rhythms of speech, clumsiness and unsteadiness, difficulty with coordination, memory loss, irritability, loss of appetite, lightheadedness, loss of interest or pleasure and in some severe cases, anal leakage. Discontinue twerking if you any of these side effects occur. 

YOLO - Are you using it right?

YOLO: You Only Live Once, right? That's the story that's being told to the youth of America today. Although, I suppose it all depends on your religion and beliefs, but yes, I guess you really do only live once. With that in mind, are you using YOLO correctly?

A saying that's been around for years, but has only been popularized recently by Drake, YOLO has quickly become the vernacular of every bro, hoe and schmoe you know, but when is it appropriate and necessary to use YOLO? Here are some situations you might find yourself in and how to properly respond:

SITUATION #1:
A friend of yours just won two tickets to Peru, a complete packaged deal that includes flight, hotel and activities like zip-lining. You have a great fear of flying and large bugs and even though most of the trip is paid for, you don't have much money, but you know the trip will do you good and it sounds like an amazing time.

YOLO?:
This would be a definite yes. You're being offered the chance of a life time. How could you not YOLO?

SITUATION #2:
It's late on a Saturday night. You and your friends have been out for hours living it up, dancing, drinking, making attempted passes at people and getting rejected. It's the end of the night and your buddy looks at you and says "Dude, let's do a shot." At this point you've already had quite a bit to drink and you just remembered you're supposed to have brunch with your parents.

YOLO?:
I wouldn't recommend it. While it seems like you could die tomorrow, would you really regret not having that last shot? Probably not. Don't get greedy.

SITUATION#3:
A group from work is going out for lunch. They ask you if you want to get Chipotle. You know that eating it will leave you in a monumental pain from the gas tornado churning in your bowels and you have a very important meeting with your boss right after lunch, but you really love yourself a good burrito bowl.

YOLO?:
The fact that you're considering using YOLO for this situation proves you are not yet ready for it's ultimate power. You'll live without the Chipotle...probably longer.

SITUATION #4:
You're at a party your best friend is throwing. It's been a while since you've gotten laid and you're thinking tonight is the night. You meet a guy who seems slightly interesting, at least interesting enough to sleep with, and as the night goes on it becomes abundantly clear that sex is on. Before the night is over he confesses that he has crabs, but if you don't mind, he'll still do it.

YOLO?:
If this is an actual situation that you're planning on using YOLO for, then we should discuss your priorities. Sure, you only live once, but you'll have to change your saying to YOLOWC: You only live once with crabs. Don't be an idiot. And incase you need help, this is not a YOLO situation.

SITUATION #5:
You're in line at Walgreen's and you need gum. You usually chew peppermint, but they only have spearmint.

YOLO?
No...just, no. This is not a YOLO situation. You did not make some ultimate decision that's going to impact your life forever. You were left with an option and you took it. This does not make you mightier, it does not make you a lifer and it doesn't make you adventurous. I want you to stand in front a mirror and ask yourself, "What is my life?" Then I want you buy the spearmint gum and chew so much of it that you can never speak again.

Take these situations and see how they apply to your life. With these answers, you can now go out into the world with the confidence of a person who knows how to use YOLO. God speed, because remember, you only live all the time.

Lollapalooza - Tips and Tricks

Well, another year of Lollapalooza has come and gone and the city of Chicago is feeling a void, much like the hearts of every teenager and "adult" who went this year and watched the Postal Service's last performance ever. Maybe you missed out this year on the experience, or maybe you didn't get the full experience. Here are a few tips and tricks on how to prepare for next year:

DRESS CODE: Yes, believe it or not, Lollapalooza has a very strict dress code.

MEN: Some type of neon mantank and shorts is a must. Shorts can be frayed or patterned, but I would stray away from basic denim jeans. Sunglasses should be mock Raybans, but whatever you do, do not wear actual Raybans. A bit of Americana is appreciated but not necessarily required.  If you do decide to go with America, be sure to mix it with the tribal pattern of your choice. Although during the rest of the year it is deemed "uncool" to wear your socks high with shorts, at Lollapalooza, if you're wearing sneakers, high socks are a must. There is a slight caveat, socks must be bright, mismatched or patterned. A backwards visor is always a good idea, but you will not be turned away if you wear a bandana or just go au naturel.

LADIES: Usually waking up and not showering is a good call. Throw your bra back on and be sure to cut your jeans to the length of underwear. If these jeans happen to be your mom's high rise from the 70s, then you're in luck. No need to worry about a shirt unless it's crocheted or perhaps the tattered remains of your boyfriend's "Led Zeppelin,"  "Pink Floyd," "Muse," or "DeadMau5" t-shirt. Decorative beads on the ends of the lifeless threads that remain say, "I'm creative and don't care who knows it." Make up should be applied liberally and done in dim lit rooms. Jewelry should be excessive, as it helps in large crowds and is not at all life threatening. Any impractical shoe such as a flip flop or platform shoe is required. Indian headbands are required at all times. There is absolutely no exception to this rule, unless you have braided your hair to look like an Indian headband, in which case you might skirt by.

BEVERAGES: They cost a lot, but it's worth it. Of course, you can always bring your own.

BUYING: While $7 for a Miller Lite might seem steep, you could not be further from the truth. It might seem like just beer in a can, but what you're also paying for is the experience of being able to say, "I drank a tall boy of Miller Lite while watching Cat Power. Man she's hot." Could you say that about your local dive bar? Probably, but who cares? It wasn't at Lolla, baby.

BRINGING: It's true that security is strict, but there is no reason you shouldn't attempt to bring your own. If you believe in recycling, then this one is right up your alley: use old water bottles to mask your liquor. Clear liquids such as Vodka or Gin can easily be masked by a bottle of Poland Springs or Evian or any water bottle of your preference. Except Fiji water. Fill to the top, glue the cap back on and not a question will be asked as you waltz past security with a fifth of vodka in your purse. Do you feel like you got swagger? Because you just walked into Lolla like you do.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Be sure to take pictures and a lot. There is nothing your friends enjoy more than watching you have a good time while they're taking their Aunt Doris to Menards for chicken wire.

CAMERAS: DSLRs are a great choice because they say, "I'm a professional," and because of that people will automatically respect you. I recommend 100 angles of a DJ that most people don't know, but you realize he has the potential of being the next up-and-coming and you know that when he does make it big, it will be because of the photos you took. The obvious thing would be to get close to the stage, right? Wrong. How can anyone tell how big the audience is if you're right up front? Stand towards the back and be sure to get mostly the crowd. This tells the spectator  of your photography that this guy must be sensational.

CAMERA PHONES: I cannot stress this enough: take mostly selfies. Going back to my previous statement about your friends and them wanting to see you have a good time, you can't convey your enjoyment if you only post one or two. What I recommend is getting a selfie in front of every stage you are at, that way people can feel like they're there with you the whole time. Also, if you get tired of showing off your skills as a professional photographer and want to take a minute to get "real," then take stage photos from your phone. The blurry figures dancing on the stage from a distance gives the photography a certain mystique that has people wondering, "Is that NIN or a Lana Del Ray?" There is no pleasure greater than being the only one in on the joke.

Last, but not least, screaming during a performance to show your enthusiasm: simple. Do it. All the time. How else is the Postal Service going to know that you've been listening to their band since high school and that you got to second base with Alison Greene while listening to "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight?" They answer: they won't...unless you shout it out. So let them know. Also, this tells the people around you that you don't give a fuck what they think, and people admire that quality.

Sure you missed out this year, but don't be discouraged. Follow my tips and tricks and you will be guaranteed to have the best time at Lollapalooza 2014. So much so, that I guarantee you'll be talking about it for weeks after the fact. Cause you remember, they don't understand...they weren't there.